The worst videos game lines of all time

Even incredible gameplay can’t save a game from a ridiculous script.
Destiny
The worst videos game lines of all time © Bungie
By Jon Partridge

Bungie’s latest first-person shooter game, Destiny, is on the way to hit shelves in mere months, but if the script is any indication, it could use with a bit of work before it’s truly ready. For starters, Peter Dinklage has managed to deliver some ham-fisted dialogue in what’s otherwise shaping up to be an incredible game, but it’s not the worst offender. Join us as we take a look at top titles ranging from Skyrim to Resident Evil, House of the Dead and more that have managed to flub the dialogue too.

Destiny: “That wizard came from the moon.”

© sevenisyellow

Peter Dinklage, better known as Game of Thrones’ Tyrion Lannister, surprised Destiny alpha testers with his appearance as your robot AI, Ghost, but what was more surprising was Dinklage’s performance: instead of it being “so bad, it was funny”, it hovered more along the lines of “so bad, so boring”. Luckily, one gem that popped out of Dinklage’s performance was the already-iconic, “That wizard came from the moon”, which Bungie has been quick to splash on t-shirts – which have since sold out. Bungie has said that the dialogue has already been updated for the Destiny beta, while you can expect the studio to tinker with the dialogue, script and voice-over by the time the game rolls out on September 9 – let’s hope there are a few more gems in there too.

Resident Evil: “Jill, here’s a lockpick. It might come in handy if you, the master of unlocking, take it with you.”

© kojiroh30

First launched back in 1996, the Resident Evil series helped popularise mature, horror titles, and effectively lurched the “survival horror” genre into the mainstream. The first game on the PlayStation was critically acclaimed for its top-notch gameplay, despite its rampant use of graphic violence and horror clichés, and of course, terrible voice acting, but what cheesy 90s game or movie didn’t have that? Still, with so many lines to choose from, which one could we pick? Simple: the one that still sticks in our minds after all of these years, courtesy of Barry Burton, with the following words of wisdom to Jill Valentine: “Jill, here’s a lockpick. It might come in handy if you, the master of unlocking, take it with you.” We’ll leave it at at that.

Shenmue: “Do you know where I can find some sailors?”

© Shenmue Dojo

Sega’s failed but cherished console, the Dreamcast, was home to the cinematic epic Shenmue series, which helped define the open world genre, and brought various elements from real life into a game such as real-time weather, a night and day system, interactive arcades and convenience stores, and quick-time events – all of which were groundbreaking at the time. The one thing that could have done with a good thinking over? The script. Both Shenmue titles had many blunders, but its the original that we’re thinking of, simply thanks to protagonist, Ryo Hazuki’s, constant pursuit of sailors.

House of the Dead 2: “The car’s parked in the city square. The top floor, building at point A0063. He’s there.”

© prinnymaster2

What is it with horror games and cheesy lines? Lightgun shooter series The House of the Dead has always been known for its laughable lines and ridiculous characters, but it’s the second game in the franchise that really nails down the absurd script thanks to the awkward delivery. Take the above line, spoken near the end of the clip (at 3m 45s), for example – it reads fine, but it’s the monotone execution, flubbed production and a serious lack of urgency that has us laughing – just what we like from our survival horror arcade shooters.

Dynasty Warriors 3: “Fool. You challenge me with trickery. I don't believe in magic… onward!”

© MattJ155

The Dynasty Warriors series is more known for its hack-and-slash-’em-all gameplay rather than Oscar-winning scripts, but it’s the third game in the series we really need to call out. Leader of the Yellow Turbans, Zhang Jiao, comes up with the above amazing line, which not only makes us laugh, but the delivery is simply cringe-worthy.

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim: “I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took an arrow in the knee.”

© Asna00

Skyrim’s arrow to the knee kicked off an internet sensation when the game hit back in 2011, and it’s still one of the most repeated memes in recent history. It all began with just the town guard non-player characters, all of which have the same number of stock lines that will be repeated when the player is near them – one of which is, of course, the reminiscing line of being an adventurer just like you, before being felled by an arrow in the knee. The rest, as they say, is history.

Tenchu: Stealth Assassin: “You shall die by my arrow!” / “Your arrows are like you, weak and twisted, I fear them NOT.”

© KishinZ

Stealth series Tenchu is better known for its slick depiction of the world of ninjas, but it’s also had a few script blunders too. Take for instance the above quote, spoken by one of the protagonists, Ayame, near the end of the clip in response to bad guy Kataoka right before a boss battle (at 9m 47s). Needless to say, the line itself is even weaker than the boss fight.

Disaster Report: “I have to stay alive and write this article before I die.”

© woodhouseHG

2002’s survival game Disaster Report, also known as SOS: The Final Escape, plants you in the role of a reporter who must investigate the slow collapse of an artificial island, fully complete with dodging falling buildings and dealing with periodic earthquakes, all while trying to find a way off the island. Of course, with a quote like the above, there’s a clear dedication to the job if you really must stay alive and write an article – even if the artificial island is practically imploding. Did they not hear of laptops and Wi-Fi?

Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater: “It was my destiny to be here; in the box.”

© teh1

No doubt that Hideo Kojima’s Metal Gear Solid series has had a few misses over the years, but we can’t shake the feeling that this cardboard box duologue is trying a little too hard for fanservice. Donning a cardboard box in the game, and then calling Sigint on the Codec, you’re treated to a quick chat about how Snake loves his cardboard box, and how it gives him a “feeling of inner peace” and that he’s “found the key to true happiness”. Yeah right.

Zero Wing: “All your base are belong to us. You have no chance to survive make your time.”

© TOMGC

What the 1991 Sega Mega Drive game Zero Wing lacks in actual voice-overs, it makes up with an absolutely dreadful script –and birthed the start of an early noughties meme known as the ever-catchy “All your base” song. While the game itself is a challenging shoot-’em-up, it’s remembered more for its badly translated introduction screen, where there are gold quotes such as “Somebody set up us the bomb”, “Take off every zig! You know what you doing” and “For great justice”. For great justice, indeed.

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