So you may have heard Miley Cyrus put out a new music video last week. In fact, even if you haven’t seen the video I’d reckon that you’ve already formed an entirely subjective, personal opinion/interpretation of its content. That is because Miley Cyrus is a smart girl and knows if she swings in coital poses on a giant wrecking ball, a lot of people are going to talk about how she swung in coital poses on a giant wrecking ball. It’s a simple, semi-pretentious image built for a society that eats this sort of thing up on social media. So, hat’s off to Miley for prolonging her winning(?) streak.
But instead of offering you a think piece about why Miley is sex-positive or a cultural appropriator or whatever, we decided to take things in a different direction. For the rest of time, Miley is going to be known as the lady who rode a wrecking ball naked. But what if another artist got there first? What if it wasn’t Miley? We decided to take this premise to its natural conclusion, and create the definitive list of musicians we would’ve loved to see on a wrecking ball.
Okay, this one is a little bit obvious, and that’s why I’m getting through it at the top of this article, but just think about it. If latter-day Michael Jackson was naked in that music video it would be an almost Johnny Cash 'Hurt'-level of post-glory artistic self-awareness. All of a sudden his horrific transformation would’ve had a perfect capstone, and all the plastic surgery would start to look like a super long-term form of performance art. Actually for all we know that might’ve been planned for 'This Is It!'
A drunk, surly Van Morrison wobbling on top of a giant steel ball, his quivering knees just barely keeping the chain in place. Maybe he’s slobbering the words to 'Brown Eyed Girl' into a microphone. Maybe he’s just cursing everyone out. You can’t tell me this wouldn’t have been great for his legacy.
Honestly, isn’t it sort of surprising that Fiona Apple didn’t end up naked on a wrecking ball during her historically great run of music videos through the ‘90s? Fiona Apple does weird, brooding horniness better than anyone on the planet. Is it possible that Miley is channeling her inner Fiona? Is strung-out chic on its way back?
Just imagine if the 'Wrecking Ball' music video was the 'How to Love' music video.
Look, if there was one human being in the universe who I could trust with writing an effective love story between man and wrecking ball it would be Morrissey. How sure are we that Morrissey has never had sex with a wrecking ball? How sure are we that Morrissey has never referred to his tackle box as a “wrecking ball?”
Bruce Springsteen wrote an entirely forgettable album called 'Wrecking Ball,' which means that we JUST BARELY missed out on perhaps the greatest moment in cross-promotion history.
It sort of reveals the bias in the media that when Miley Cyrus rides around naked on a wrecking ball it’s a huge controversy, but if Bjork rode around naked on a wrecking ball it would simply be considered the next logical, pertinent step in her career.
Billy Ray Cyrus
We're not even gonna go there.