So This Is Happening: The Apocalypse

Staggering evidence of the world's certain doom.

Defending champion Gabriel Medina advancing into Round Three of the Quiksilver Pro France at La Graviere
© ASP/Cestari

There are allegations that the world will cease to exist on December 21, 2012. It is believed that an astronomical alignment will catastrophically shift the Earth's magnetic poles. Or a phantom planet called Niburu will smash into Earth. A wise, but bygone, society even predicted this apocalypse by ending their calendar on that exact date.

Reinforcing the doomsday forecast, an unsettling lists of announcements have recently been made by Red Bull athletes. Such announcements include, but are not limited to:

Kolohe pledges his allegiance to Upper Trestles: Lowers is too mushy.


Gabriel Medina quits competition: He couldn't foresee a future in it.


Mick Fanning renounces training: Apathy is the new Crossfit.


Carlos Burle decides to work on cutbacks: Big waves aren't exciting enough.


Leonardo Fioravanti says Mexican food is his favorite: Linguine sits too heavily in his stomach.


Evan Geiselman swears off orange juice: The nectar tastes too foreign for his liking.


Cristobal De Col moves to Chile: Peru had too many lefts.


Jamie O'Brien refuses to surf Pipe: Decides the Kammie Land is his new mecca.

Thankfully, absolutely none of these things are true. The poles will not shift, Niburu does not exist and Gabriel Medina will probably win a world title.

Happy 2013.