Surfing
Guide: How To Be Broke
We’ve all hit our fair share of financial rough spots. Here’s the best way to navigate yours.
Bali Sunrise
© Jimmicane
We don’t have to talk about it. Let’s just blame it on the economy. It doesn’t really matter how you got here; you’re here now. You’re broke. But you shouldn’t look at it as a burden. Look at it as an opportunity. Stare yourself in the mirror and say, “If I’m going to be broke, I’m going to do it right. I will be the jolliest degenerate ever.” So be a bum and have fun! Here’s how:
Hit The Road: There isn’t much fun in being broke at home. Home is too boring for the non-affluent man. Instead, get off your ass and travel. But you ain’t sitting first class. Hell, you probably shouldn’t even board an airplane at all. Use mass transit instead — there’s a reason why homeless people can afford it you know. Go someplace (not too) far away and have fun for a little while. Couch-surfing is not recommended; it is necessary.
Thanks Babe!: This one is a bit cliché, but it’s cliché for a damn good reason. Finding a wealthy girlfriend is the best thing that a poor guy can do. She’ll adore your jolly, carefree nature and yearn to help you. She’ll tend to your financial wounds like she’s nursing a sick puppy — picking up your tab on food, shelter, clothing and everything else under the sun. And all you have to do is stay jolly and carefree. Go ahead honey, swipe that Am-Ex!
You Gonna Finish That?: We’re not just talking food here. This question/plea applies to any and everything. Burritos, surfboards, T-shirts, wetsuits, beers. A rich man’s trash is a broke man’s treasure. Take advantage of anything that you’re buddies are willing to get rid of. And, of course, take the last bite of that burrito.
Build Your Own: This needs no explanation. If you can build it, then do not buy it.
Look Beyond The Menu: On occasion, you might find yourself at some eateries with offensive pricing. Nine dollars for a sandwich? The nerve! Here's a little trick for eating out: order something that does not exist on the menu. At a Mexican place, convince the server to convince the kitchen to give you a bowl of rice and meat — a hobo’s delight! At an Italian place, convince the management that a massive plate of spaghetti with sauce should only be five dollars. At a donut place, dig through the dumpster shortly after closing. Because to a broke man, there is nothing sweeter than a French critter with a little bit of garbage juice soaked in.