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10 Hearthstone cards that make no sense at all
The Blizzard cards with powers and characters that fit like anything but a glove.
“Shhh. Quiet,” they stupidly shout
© Blizzard
Hearthstone is allowed to be a bit silly, sometimes. Away from the stricter confines of Warcraft lore and its grand storytelling ambitions, there’s room for Blizzard’s card battler to poke fun and try a few off-the-wall ideas. Just look at what they did to the infamous Karazhan: turning it from menacing magical tower to a party hotspot that would rival even the Great Gatsby’s bachelor pad.
There have been times, though, when it feels as if Team 5 may have taken a step too far and ran with a number of design choices that they should have reconsidered. Maybe we’re just being a bit pedantic, or do these incongruous Hearthstone cards legitimately make no sense at all? Here are our arguments. You decide.
Ogre Ninja
There shouldn’t really be much explaining needed for this one. Just the mental image alone screams idiocy. Sure, there’s room for following your dreams and all that, but face it, not everyone can be an astronaut – and not everyone can be a ninja. Certainly not a ten foot tall, double-headed thing such as an ogre.
Granted, Blizzard have gone some way to embrace the ridiculousness of the idea and noted that there’s a 50 percent chance the Ogre Ninja will attack the wrong target. It feels like that should be the least of its concerns, though, when it’s just as likely to clatter through the roof, fail to hide behind a plant pot or argue with itself about the best approach to take out the target.
Deadly Fork
If you’ve seen the TV series Utopia or John Wick: Chapter 2, you’ll know that even the smallest of objects can cause serious, life-changing, oh-no-I-think-I’m-going-to-vomit harm when used improperly. Now, alongside spoons and pencils, there’s Hearthstone’s Deadly Fork.
There’s no denying that the right piece of cutlery can be lethal in the right hands, but when you’re in the world of Warcraft there’s little chance Deathwing’s plans to tear the world asunder are going to be all that scuppered by a piece of rusty kitchenware. Despite how deadly its enchanted prongs claim to be.
Bear Trap
Now, no one here is claiming to be an expert in the ways of tracking and trapping wild beasts, but there’s a certain expectation of how a piece of equipment will work by its name alone. A Bear Trap implies that, when it is not an inconvenient leg crusher for horror movie victims, it traps and pacifies a rampaging bear.
Clearly, the Hearthstone developers are not aware of this purpose and instead seem to believe that a Bear Trap is set up for your opponent to get caught in and will then summon a wild bear to hunt them down. Granted, Rexxar may be able to command Misha and other creatures of the animal world, which might explain this flaunting of the Trade Descriptions Act but it still rubs us the wrong way.
Forbidden Ritual
What is it with Old Gods and tentacles?
© Blizzard
When you declare something a Forbidden Ritual you set a certain tone. You give whatever charm, curse, spell or summoning a reputation all of its own. Take Avada Kedavra, for example, the killing curse in Harry Potter. Yes, that strikes as something that should be forbidden. What, then, is the result of the vile and horrible ritual that must not be performed in Hearthstone? Tentacles. Lots of tentacles.
Yes, there’s certainly all reason for tentacles to be forbidden in other areas of life and sections of the internet. However, as the ultimate Thing That Must Not Be Named for Warlocks in the Warcraft universe, half a dozen floppy tendrils really doesn’t scream out as something that should be forbidden. Come on, have you seen some of the things Shadow Priests can get up to?
Power Word: Tentacles
See, they don’t even need a mystic chant in order to summon some tentacles. A priest can spawn them from your actual body. And they make you more powerful! Exactly how a number of flailing Old God limbs make you stronger and healthier is a question we may never have an answer to, though. Let’s ask it anyway though. Can you even control those things? Are they permanent? Why do you get an extra six health because you’ve turned something into a walking Kraken? Honestly, H.P. Lovecraft has a lot to answer for.
Ragnaros, Lightlord
What next? Deathwing, Environmentalist?
© Blizzard
We’re getting into the heady realm of Warcraft lore here so careful steps are required. Let’s remember, though, Hearthstone does give Blizzard room for experimentation with some daft ideas that wouldn’t fly within the existing Warcraft universe. That’s all a good bit of fun. But when you take Ragnaros, the elemental Firelord himself, and turn him into a Paladin healbot, you’re going to leave a few folks feeling burnt. The great raid boss of Molten Core, wielder of Sulfuras and bellower of “DIE, INSECT” morphed into a great big, bloody joke. Live, insect? Please.
Cursed Blade
Legends tell of a weapon, a weapon so awful that wielding it against an opponent actually deals more damage to you than it would to them. Wait, how does that even work? Cursed objects should certainly feature their drawbacks, but that cost usually comes with some great benefit. Placing the One Ring on your finger does risk corrupting you and turning you into a malnourished Andy Serkis, but it also gives you the power of invisibility, which is nice! Cursed Blade, however, is a truly awful Hearthstone card. Why would you even think to use it when you also have a perfectly fine Fiery War Axe in your armoury? No drawbacks. No ancient curses. Just fine craftsmanship.
Cat Trick
What a little cutie! Wait, no, it’s dumb!
© Blizzard
Look, Rexxar, we realise no one is paying attention to you right now. We appreciate you’re being mocked in tournaments like the Trinity Series whenever you somehow manage to clutch out a win. But don’t think for one second that any silly magic tricks are going to help us sympathise with you.
Oh, what’s that, you pulled a cat out of a hat did you? Jaina is over there summoning giant balls of fire from her hands and Anduin has just brought someone back from the dead. Abrakedabra, there goes your dignity. Aww, hold on a minute, look at the cat in its cute little top hat. No! Silly!
Kidnapper
Criminals: they’re not always the brightest bunch. Take the Kidnapper’s ingenious and nefarious plan. What does he decide to do once he’s taken one of your minions? Hold them for a hefty ransom? Taunt you over the telephone? Force you to assassinate U.S. Senator David Palmer on the day of the California Presidential Primary? No. None of those things. He, er, well, he immediately gives them straight back to you. Pretty sure that’s not the most effective plan for a Kidnapper.
Renounce Darkness
The initial thought as to why this card makes no sense is the sheer concept of finding a Warlock who is willing to give up all of his or her nasty powers. Sure, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the idea of a career change – sometimes it’s even a good step! But, when your CV encompasses life draining and soul siphoning for the last few years what are you going to do instead? Move on and live out a pious existence as a holy Priest or righteous Paladin?
That said, you can imagine how the conversation might go if a Warlock were thinking of quitting. They might sheepishly trot up to the Dark Portal and say: “Hey, sorry Gul’Dan, you promised me all this awesome fel magic so I thought we’d be flaying minds and rending souls, but instead we just keep using all our power to summon tentacles. I’m out.”
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