Games
The 7 most awkward sex scenes in video games
Some games are capable of having scenes worse than the worst porn flick you've seen in your life.
Geraltão sempre se deu bem nos seus joguinhos
© CD Projekt Red
Isn’t sex amazing? Games like Dragon Age: Inquisition, The Witcher 2 and Mass Effect have sex scenes that are capable of being sensible, well written and raunchy in the right way - which is the complete opposite of all the stupid games in this list.
I really don’t understand why, but it seems like there are some virtual banging inspired by the worst sexual experiences imaginable, as if the people involved in the creation of these scenes learned about the subject in an ironic reading of a 80s sex ed. book on acid.
It isn’t like videogames were the best examples in a series of social behaviors, but still, I decided to remember and list the seven most awkward sex scenes in videogames so you don’t have to.
GTA: San Andreas’ bitter coffee
I’d go out on a limb here to say that “Hot Coffee” was the scandal which defined the sexual curiosity of a whole generation of misinformed Grand Theft Auto players – to bad it’s one of the most horrifying sex scenes in history. Either way, it’s impossible to talk about sex in games without mentioning this Rockstar incident.
Around 2005, people discovered that GTA: San Andreas had hidden codes, which described scenes between the game’s protagonist and the women he meets. These scenes could only be accessed through modifications, but we know very well how fast the modding community works when the intention is to fuck up a game.
Right after the tabloid media discovered that they could freak the public out yet again by linking explicit sex and video games, Rockstar quickly issued an apology and an update cutting out the sexual coding in San Andreas. Seen as how the characters in the game didn't even take their clothes off before awkwardly bumping polygons (just imagine two hormone packed Chihuahuas dressed in awful pet shop outfit, for visual reference), I guess that was the wisest decision.
Going to hell in Ride to hell: Retribution
Talking about sex without taking off your clothes, the grand champion of the most uncomfortable porn genre is definitely Ride to Hell: Retribution, a game that you should be thanking the gods right now for not remembering. The whole game is a senseless aberration that tells the story of the most uninteresting biker gang in the world, but the sex scenes involving the main character, Jake Conway, still stand out.
This is due to the fact that these scenes are worse than worst soft porn movies that open access television has ever transmitted. Accurately following the bizarre standard set by the game, the sex in the game starts out of nowhere along with music that would make even road side strippers feel ashamed of dancing to and, to make matters worse, the characters didn't even take their awful biker cosplay off. This is the best definition of "trying-to-be-wild-sex-but-actually-just-being-weird" there is.
South Park: The Stick of Truth and your dad’s balls
Ok, South Park isn't exactly known for its vanilla sexual inclinations, but in the 2014 RPG The Stick of Truth, the famous creators reached a new level of bizarre.
In a certain part of the game, you are shrunk to the size of a gnome while chasing… gnomes that like to steal underwear (it’s South Park, remember?). The chase reaches your parent’s room, who with nothing to do in a Saturday night, decide to have sex without noticing that there are a bunch of little people with pointy hats fighting with swords and magic on top of the bed. In the climax of the scene where the final battle with the gnomes takes place, you have to constantly dodge your dad's balls, which are dangerously dangling between you and your opponents. If you don't pay attention, they'll smack you right in the face ending your fight right then and there.
So remember this lesson: Beware of your dad's balls. You never know when they'll hit you right in the middle of a decisive battle against a gang of gnomes.
Sexual trafficking in Final Fantasy VII
The seventh game in the Final Fantasy series is chock full of examples of sexual innuendo, but when I finished the game in the start of my teenage years, I still didn’t have the tools necessary to decipher a good part of them – except for one specific scene.
In the first hours of the game, one of your teammates is captured by a mobster who intends to turn her into a sex slave. And what's the incredible solution your characters suggest to solve this problem? Call the police? Kick in the door while dishing out a healthy dose of bullets and beatings to break her out? Of course not! The only way is to cross dress and seduce the criminal so you can catch him by surprise.
You have to get a wig, a dress, a tiara and some perfume – this last one being essential- and head off to the gangster’s girl tryouts, which happens exactly in that disturbing-yet-subtle you can expect from 90s Japanese RPGs. In the end, everything goes sort of right in a scene in which you threaten to explode the mobster's genitals with your own hands, and your party escapes safe and sound. But be certain that the weirdly light-hearted learning experience regarding the human trafficking market will stick to your brains forever.
The pixelated horror that is Cathouse Blues/Gigolo
In game industry’s crisis point in the beginning of 80s, an almost clandestine company called Playhouse, theoretically developed adult games in an attempt to explore a new market. While doing that, the company was able to create some of the most offensive and awful games for the Atari 2600, which isn't an easy task considering that you'd have to compete with the likes of Custer's Revenge for the same console.
Cathouse Blues is quite simple: In the middle of the night, you roam the streets of a neighborhood, breaking into different houses in search of sex. Seven of these houses have women (or men in Gigolo, the female and equally awful version of the game) who pay you for sex. If you go into an empty house, an alarm goes off and you lose time. There are cops and a robber roaming the same streets are you, ready to screw up your night out.
If having the worst excuse for a sex game in the world isn’t enough, the sex animations are horrible, and basically consist in your character moving frantically on top of women and men with whom you meet along the way. Luckily the game was a fiasco and the company went bankrupt in a short period of time, because if that had become famous and turned into an example for the kids we’d probably be extinct today.
Silent Hill 2 and its trauma filled sex
What can you expect from a game with a story based on the pain of loss lived by a widower who fights his inner (and outer) demons? Of course you can't be expecting a healthy sex scene in Silent Hill 2, but the first time you meet Pyramid Head, the most characteristic villain in the series, what you see is no less than traumatic.
Through the opening of a closet, you witness the creature - who, obviously, has a giant iron pyramid on his head - sexually assaulting two monster-mannequins, which are quite common in the game. If I personally saw this scene, I'd just stop my journey after my wife's ghost right then and there. I'm not sure if you can consider that sex, but it's clear that Pyramid Head has quite a few sexual issues to work out. I mean, who in the world would treat a deformed monster made out of legs like that?
The Witcher 3 and the stuffed unicorn
Despite being recently released, the internet went wild when news of the sex scene in the new game of the Witcher series came out. In a certain moment, the witcher Geralt, amongst the numerous escapades in the game, scores some alone time with the sorceress Yennefer, and it all goes down on top of a stuffed unicorn she keeps at home.
Geralt is already well known for being a master in bed as well as in the battlefield, but this moment deserves to be mentioned in the witcher's long sexual history. I mean, The Witcher 2 had some classy sex scene, but this one involving the unicorn… wait a minute! This scene is just awesome! I take back everything I said: This scene is fantastic and nobody can say otherwise.