Gaming
It’s impossible to avoid these archetype Pokémon master wannabes out in the real world.
Pokémon GO is inescapable. It’s not just that everybody is playing it; it’s that everybody who is has to be doing so out on the street, in front of your very eyes. That’s just the nature of the game.
Of course, you’re reading this article, which probably means you’re one of these intrepid adventurers, well-versed in all the nuances and many, irritating bugs of Niantic and The Pokémon Company’s mobile game turned social phenomenon.
It also means you fall neatly into one of these 10 categories of Pokémon GO player. Remember these, as they’ll surely come in handy as you journey across the land (or down to the shops for some milk) in your bid to catch’em all.
The rural player
Player trait: Acute FOMO
Usually found: Standing in a field, alternately staring at an empty map screen and treasuring their one Zubat
Pity the plight of the poor country Pokémon GO player. While we’re sure they value the air quality and scenic views where they choose to reside, unfortunately, Niantic see things differently. You see, Pokémon GO uses data from developer Niantic’s previous game, Ingress, based on the frequency of mobile signal strength, which means that Pokémon are much more likely to spawn in built up areas.
That doesn’t stop the rural player from trying, bless them; they’ve seen the hype online and desperately want an Aerodactyl to call their own. And so they drive, from remote Pokéstop to remote Pokéstop, dreaming of the day when their best find so far, a 133CP Rattata, will be able to take down a gym for those precious 10 coins – a small fortune. They’ll just have to find a gym first.
The mad professor
Player trait: Lateral thinking
Usually found: Using electrical tape to attach their smartphone to a moving object, inanimate or animate
Pokémon GO is about getting out and exploring the world about you on foot, but – Great Scott! The mad professor has had an idea – an epiphany!
Why bother going for a 2km run to hatch an egg when you could simply pop your phone on a turntable and let it spin for five hours? Genius.
The mad professor is never satisfied, however, and seeks radical, superior methods to hatch his Ponyta. Ceiling fans are an adequate substitute, so long as you have some sticky tape and don’t mind a shattered iPhone or two, but toy trains are much better. Nothing quite beats letting your dog or flightless bird do all the walking for you, though – at least until the next Eureka moment.
The massive-levelling-gains guy
Player trait: Ruthless ambition
Usually found: Catching Pidgeys while quaffing whey protein shakes
This guy. This guy wants to be the very best alright, and he’s not going to let something like trying to catch an Arcanine get in his way. It would waste too many balls and spaces in his collection, and he needs those for grinding Pidgeys.
Just as he doesn’t waste calories IRL, the gains guy doesn’t needlessly waste Lucky Eggs in his pursuit of the level cap. He won’t crack one open until he’s got 60 low-level Pidgeys and Weedles ready to evolve, which he calculates will take him from level 21 to 22 in just half an hour instead of a week. GAINS. Sure, that’ll be half an hour of utter tedium transferring Pidgeottos into Professor Willow’s pokegrinder, but at least he’ll be that much closer to glory, and he can probably do some pull ups while the unskippable animations take place.
The trespasser
Player trait: Affinity for home invasion
Usually found: On someone else’s property, complaining loudly about the three-step bug
Pokémon GO encourages you to explore the wider world, something the trespasser has taken to heart perhaps a bit too much, as they make a turn up what, if they were to look up from their screen, is quite clearly a private driveway.
You’d think they might notice, as they scramble over barbed wire, accidentally severing an important tendon on a slathering guard dog’s mouth in the process. But no, they’re hot on the pursuit of a what looks like the silhouette of a Wartortle, so baseball-bat-wielding homeowner be damned.
It might only turn out to be a Lickitung, but the thrill is in the chase, they’ll tell themselves as they drop to one knee, their life force slowly and quite literally seeping out of them. They collapse on the floor, one working limb holding up their iPhone for that final click and puff of yellow stars as the latch closes on their prey. Somewhere nearby, a disembodied voice calls the emergency services. Worth it.
The cooler
Player trait: Contagious misfortune
Usually found: Under a lure, wondering where everyone else went
As any level-24 player who has seen a casual acquaintance capture a Dragonite on their first play will tell you, Pokémon GO is something of a lottery. The cooler, then, as part of gambling lore, is something of a logical inevitability. Supposedly hired by Las Vegas casinos to end customers’ winning streaks purely by their magnetic bad luck, coolers would wander between the tables, making a career out of their odds-defying inability to pick the right colour, both in roulette and in life. Niantic must have heard of them, as they seem to be finding a new role for themselves in Pokémon GO.
These players have not so much as seen a 5km egg, let alone a 10km, and seem determined to make others suffer for it by ruining people’s Poképarties under a Lure. Unfortunately, the only way to spot a cooler is by the distinct lack of any Pokémon as soon as they arrive, rubbing their phone’s touchscreen and pretending to look as baffled as anybody else. “I don’t understand,” you say as the crowd of friendly GO players begins to disperse, cutting their losses on the Incense sticks they wasted. “This place is usually crawling with Machops.” The cooler does, though. The cooler understands.
The precocious Pokémon master
Player trait: Doesn’t know he or she was born
Usually found: Racking up coins on their local gym with their one buffed out creature
We’ve all seen this player. The one who is several levels below you and yet inexplicably possesses a 1,900CP Lapras. Never mind where they found it, where did they get enough candies to boost it up past what appears to be the max CP for their level? The precocious Pokémon master is never more irritating than when seen proudly showing off their Snorlax, unaware that there is a mere one-in-17 chance of one hatching from a 10km egg, and that therefore they are nothing more than jammy.
Lives on a Pokéstop
Player trait: Also doesn’t know he or she was born
Usually found: Throwing away excess Great Balls and Hyper Potions
Ignore those people who will tell you that the struggle for Pokéballs is merely a first-world problem; it’s a real concern. Ignore also the variant of the precocious Pokémon master, who by complete chance, happens to live within spinning distance of a Pokéstop. While you’re hard at work (and by work we mean Pokémon GO) trekking between stops to stock up on items, counting your Pokéballs after losing 25 just to get a stupid Spearow, this player born with a silver Pokéball in their mouth is sat at home on the sofa, hoovering up XP, capturing Dragonairs and tossing out Revives because they’ll never need that many. Plus, they can always can get more.
Anybody who didn’t join Team Valor
Player trait: Self-flagellant
Usually found: Inexplicably identifying with Teams Mystic or Instinct
We’re not sure what possessed anybody to align with teams blue or yellow in Pokémon GO. Certainly it wasn’t the team leaders, Blanche and Spark, who look like a failed audition for another Japanese anime about bi-pedal mechs and the lovechild of a nu-metal frontman and a packet of Cheetos respectively. Perhaps they like a challenge and thought Dark Souls was too easy, or didn’t damage their social credibility enough? We’re out of ideas here already. Clearly, Team Valor is the only choice; red all the way.
The Magikarp gym master
Player trait: Anarchist
Usually found: Walking away from a conquered gym, imagining explosions behind them
There’s a gym near you, usually dominated by Hypnos and Pincirs. You walk past it every day, evaluating whether to have a go. Then when you finally get the nerve to take it on, you discover, to your appalled amusement, a 10CP koi fish flapping on the plinth. You win, of course you do, but the victory is tainted, and the satisfaction soon turns to a bitter solution in your mouth. The Magikarp gym master has had their way again. They don’t care about holding down a gym for more coins; they just want to watch the world burn. Don’t give them the satisfaction of tweeting your rage.
Whoever is putting a lure on the children’s playground in the park at night
Player trait: Don’t want to know
Usually found: Sitting on a swing, in the dark
You open Pokémon GO for one last Pidgey grind before you go to sleep, only to spot a shower of pink confetti far off in the corner of the map. It’s the local playground, which would be innocuous enough during daylight hours, but past midnight does make you question the life choices of some Pokémon GO players. Why are they there? It’s probably not a predator, you reason, as you put on your slippers and your dressing gown. That would be too obvious. And what if a Gyarados is spawning right there, right now? Then who’d look like the fool, hmm? Better to check just in case; you’d be doing the community a favour. The door closes behind you with a bang.
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